Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
