Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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