It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
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Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
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Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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