Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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