i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
