I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
