So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
