I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
