every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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