Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
