When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
