Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
