This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
