Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
