what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
