everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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