a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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