somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
