someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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