I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
