Cold hands, warm shart.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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