Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
