You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
