I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
