I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
