is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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