I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
