Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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