he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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