It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
