problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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