I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
