So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
