too bad you live with your parents still
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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