my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
