No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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