Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
