after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
and you fell through a lawn chair
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
