I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
