I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
