whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I'm having to shit out rocks
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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