I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
