don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
