fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
