I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
