matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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