I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
