The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
