All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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