you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
