fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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