So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
