Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
