Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
