dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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