I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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