Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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