There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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