the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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